Just for a change, here's something The Lovely Christine wrote for the South Australian Baptist News. She writes for women so I changed a few bits to be more inclusive.

FREE PDF OF TONGUE QUOTES Hit this email address and I'll get around to sending you the PDF of my quote cards on the tongue in a few days.   (Don't want to over promise.) You can import them to your iPhone, iPad or any other thingy and click through them while you're waiting to go into a meeting, go home, meet the boss, visit a difficult customer, where you might trip over your own tongue by not keeping it still.

They have my sympathy In just the last week I've heard of a dad being screamed at in a public car park by an adult daughter for an accidental slight he'd made against someone she knew. It was humiliating. Another had been cruelly dealt with for suggesting she'd babysat her friend's dog for long enough. That was unfair. Yet another had been slandered by a work colleague for incidents the slanderer had only imagined. That was heart breaking. A salesperson was cursed at by a desperate shopper for the company's not having stock on hand to match its advertising. That was embarrassing. They're all in good company I have been wading my way through the miserable swamp that is the book of Jeremiah. I've read it before. It hasn't struck me this hard before. It's horrible. For more than fifty years the poor bloke spoke his mind – the mind of God – and poured himself into it. Poured is hardly a good enough description. I mean he waterfalled, cascaded and sea spouted himself into it. Relentlessly. God forbade him to marry so he was always alone. Colleagues lied about him and denounced his message and  worse, his motives. Kings had him arrested and jailed. The most respectable people in town kidnapped him and dropped him in a cistern up to his neck in slime. He was laughed at, ignored and punished in every conceivable way – just for telling kings and citizens alike to act in mercy, fairness and in honour of God. And whenever life got a little bit better for him for a day or two, it went down the drain again – only faster and deeper. Wayne Jackson at The Christian Courier writes that the book of Jeremiah It is 'one of the most thrilling.' I didn't see it quite that way this time around. I just feel so sorry for the guy. Deeply deeply saddened. And although I'd like to think, my lot is nowhere as terrible as his so I should be happy about that I can only think how life is so hard, tough and gnarled sometimes. And that brings me down. One thing comes through though. Jeremiah didn't give up. I reckon I would have. I am sad to say I need praise, effectiveness, the sense I have done something world-changing with my life, with my time and talent, not to mention a pathetic need for thanks, honours and perhaps a small statue. Jeremiah got none. Jackson points out the big learning points from the book. I'm glad he did because on this reading, all I got was a bad case of depression and a good kick up the nether regions about how life isn't about me. God Empowers the Servant, Remember Your Vows God Hates the Superficial True Repentance The High Price of Sin God Will Be Victorious Jesus Is the Only Hope Expect Persecution Judgment Day Will Come Anyhoodle. I hope this hasn't sent you into useless depression, and gives you a chance to say, Life looks terrible for a lot of people but God has a bigger view. I don't get it, but I'll go with it, come what may. Anyway, to infinity and beyond. Live long and prosper Love Colin

I had a bit taken off my tongue

Hit this email address and I'll get around to sending you the PDF of my quote cards on the tongue in a few days.   (Don't want to over promise.) You can import them to your iPhone, iPad or other thingy and click through them while you're wising to go into a meeting, go home, meet the boss, visit a difficult customer, where you might trip over your own tongue by not keeping it still.

The surgeon said ... 'You must have bitten your tongue at some time and a lump has formed. I'll take if off for you.' 'Will it hurt?', I asked, in my sad little whiny voice. 'It might be a bit sore for a couple of days.' 'OK, then.' 'I'll put you to sleep so you won't feel a thing.' L I A R,   L I A R   P A N T S   O N   F I R E! It hurt like all get out and I couldn't speak English for a week – or swallow, or spit or chew, and even drinking custard through a straw made me dribble down my shirt. I told him he should change his bedside manner. I said he should stop trying to be nice and say it how it really is. Mind you that has got me into all the trouble I've ever managed to create! People are funny I gave a prescription for pain killers to the woman at the pharmacy also handing her a  note saying I couldn't speak because of a tongue operation. She wrote me a note back! I was in too much pain to laugh. it did make me think about 140 quotes about the tongue from a few years  back. Here are a few. Proverbs 11:12 A man who lacks judgement derides his neighbour, but a man of understanding holds his tongue  Proverbs 12:14 From the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things as surely as the work of his hands reward him.  Proverbs 12:18 Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.  Proverbs 10:8: The wise in heart accept commands, but a chattering fool comes to ruin.  Proverbs 12:23  A prudent man keeps his knowledge to himself, but the heart of a fool bursts out folly.  I recommend silence, if only for a week. It makes you feel wise, sen if you're not.  Anyway, to infinity and beyond. Live long and prosper Love Colin

South Australian locals who work in sales should attend this seminar:

It's next Tuesday 6th May, so get in on the Early Bird price before April 30 and save $100. Here's what i will teach you. Show up! You will ‘get’ a formula for success in sales so you win all the business you can: 3CA=CR.  Grow up! Understand what you are up against in this snappy online sales environment and win back your share of sales. Shut up! 4 selling styles and how to sell without so much talk, talk, talk. Listen up! 8 questions to find out what your prospect really wants. Speak up! When it is your turn to speak, use language dripping with all 7 benefits for your prospect – yet without being smarmy. Sell up! Get your attitude and language right about add-on sales and selling more.  Ask me about the date and the fee and the place. and I will send you the brochure

I gave up opinions for Lent. I think I will keep it up It's been quite a discipline, although a lot easier than giving up chocolate or coffee. I don't imbibe in the demon drink so that wasn't hard to give up. I don't do a lot of dairy or meat so it wouldn't have been hard to give those up. I like coffee and chocolate and they have less affect on me than opinions so I have been glad to be done with them. Having opinions upsets my stomach a lot more than coffee and chocolate. My opinions wind me up, get me agitated, surly, make me sullen, grumpy, jumpy, argumentative and moody. Giving opinions leaves a nastier taste in my mouth than coffee and chocolate.  When I give my opinion I have to live with the fact that I usually didn't know what I was talking about and have got a fact or a story half right and mostly wrong all at the same time. It's easier to recover from not having mouthed off about anything I wasn't sure was a fact, a joke or a self-confessed fiction. Your opinions affect me even worse.  The other day someone decided to graffiti the fences of my feeble mind with their opinions about Israel, Jews, George(s) Bush, Sri Lanka, the US economy, Tony Abbott, asylum seekers, Collingwood, public spending, bike lanes, air fares, spies, retirement age, religion, private school education and three conspiracy theories about Flight 370,  all in the space of about 30 minutes. The individual got away scot free. I remained bruised, battered and left with a mental clean up that lasted 72 hours. Try it I repeat form last time: Finally, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.(Philippians 4:8) Anyway, to infinity and beyond. Live long and prosper Love Colin

I gave up opinions for Lent.

I think I will keep it up

It's been quite a discipline, although a lot easier than giving up chocolate or coffee. 

I don't imbibe in the demon drink so that wasn't hard to give up.

I don't do a lot of dairy or meat so it wouldn't have been hard to give those up.

I like coffee and chocolate and they have less affect on me than opinions so I have been glad to be done with them.

Having opinions upsets my stomach a lot more than coffee and chocolate.

My opinions wind me up, get me agitated, surly, make me sullen, grumpy, jumpy, argumentative and moody.

Giving opinions leaves a nastier taste in my mouth than coffee and chocolate.

When I give my opinion I have to live with the fact that I usually didn't know what I was talking about and have got a fact or a story half right and mostly wrong all at the same time. It's easier to recover from not having mouthed off about anything I wasn't sure was a fact, a joke or a self-confessed fiction.

Your opinions affect me even worse.

The other day someone decided to graffiti the fences of my feeble mind with their opinions about Israel, Jews, George(s) Bush, Sri Lanka, the US economy, Tony Abbott, asylum seekers, Collingwood, public spending, bike lanes, air fares, spies, retirement age, religion, private school education and three conspiracy theories about Flight 370,  all in the space of about 30 minutes. The individual got away scot free. I remained bruised, battered and left with a mental clean up that lasted 72 hours.

Try it

I repeat form last time: Finally, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.(Philippians 4:8)

Anyway, to infinity and beyond.

Live long and prosper

Love

Colin

I used to be dead

Tahlia doesn't want to marry horrible old Ehud. He comes to her house to meet her parents. Things don't go well. Preview it here: And if you buy it, Amazon doesn't tell me who you are so how about dropping me a note that you did it? It's harder to raise money! Donations for good causes have become harder to get. And getting people to the fete, garage sale, chocolate drive, door knock, sleep-a-thon or barbecue is exasperating organisations' treasurers everywhere. I can tell you how to raise money for your charity, project, club, school (or self) without costing anyone anything! Look this up:  Curious? Of course you are.  Suspicious? That would be natural. Not nice of you, but natural. Look up the introduction. and call me or email me for a contact chat.

On owls and thoughts. Here I go again If you're a subscriber to The Kick in the Pants Newsletter, on Friday you read how I have a new disease (invented by me) calledopinionophobia. I'm allergic to opinions - mine as well as yours and everyone else's. Here's one reason why: Look up this page and you'll see whichever way you look at it, there is plenty to think and talk about apart from government intrigue, political argy-bargy, sound bites, TV news, talk-back radio, sports comments, the goss of the day, idle chit chat about the weather, the latest episode of current affairs or newspaper headlines, Facebook blah diddy blah blah blah, letters to the editor and amazing email offers. Whichever way you read it, the advice comes up like this: Finally, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. That excludes just about anything else on offer. Remember the wise old owl poem a kindly soul wrote in your childhood autograph book? A wise old owl lived in an oak. The more he saw, the less he spoke. The less he spoke, the more he heard. Why can't we all be like that wise old bird? Surely a few weeks of that alternative wouldn't hurt any of us. Anyway, to infinity and beyond. Live long and prosper Love Colin

On owls and thoughts.

Here I go again

If you're a subscriber to The Kick in the Pants Newsletter, on Friday you read how I have a new disease (invented by me) called opinionophobia. I'm allergic to opinions - mine as well as yours and everyone else's.

Here's one reason why:

Look up this page and you'll see whichever way you look at it, there is plenty to think and talk about apart from government intrigue, political argy-bargy, sound bites, TV news, talk-back radio, sports comments, the goss of the day, idle chit chat about the weather, the latest episode of current affairs or newspaper headlines, Facebook blah diddy blah blah blah, letters to the editor and amazing email offers. 

Whichever way you read it, the advice comes up like this: Finally, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

That excludes just about anything else on offer.

Remember the wise old owl poem a kindly soul wrote in your childhood autograph book?

A wise old owl lived in an oak.

The more he saw, the less he spoke.

The less he spoke, the more he heard.

Why can't we all be like that wise old bird?

Surely a few weeks of that alternative wouldn't hurt any of us.

Anyway, to infinity and beyond.

Live long and prosper

Was your mother the tour leader on all your guilt trips?

It has often been claimed but the truth is you were your own guilt trip tour leader and you still are. That's not quite right either. You are the tour leader on your shame trips. Let me explain.

Guilt is good and has a right purpose.

The facts about guilt.

1. It is not an emotion

2. It is a state.

When the judge says a criminal is guilty of a crime he or she is saying, 'You did this thing and it is now declared.' The convicted person is not required to feel anything. Their feelings have nothing to do with the legal state in which they find themselves. The criminals can feel remorse or continue to protest their innocence, their desire for revenge, their having been provoked or misled, but that doesn't change a thing about their guilt. They have been pronounced as having done the deed. Thus they are guilty.

It's the same for you. The police officer pulls you over and says your blood alcohol reading is over the limit, and that's it. You are guilty. You broke the law. No feeling required, but thank you very much for the offer. Ah, but you cry, 'I feel so guilty.'  No. You feel annoyed, angry, embarrassed, humiliated, fearful of others finding out, apprehensive of losing your license and getting the fine. You can't feel guilt. You can only accept it or reject it but it doesn't change a thing. You done it! Hopefully the effect of the guilt pronouncement will induce you to act responsibly about alcohol.

Guilt's purpose is to rectify things

Your mother found you'd pinched 5¢ from her purse. She announced you were guilty of theft and reprimanded you. The idea was to make sure you didn't grow up as a bank robber. She intended you to correct your course, change your ways or in Biblical terms, 'repent'  which is to say, change your mind and thus your behaviour.

Shame is bad even though it's comfortable

If your mother repeated the story to Aunty Molly in front of you to grind it into you, or introduced you to Grandpa as the naughty boy who wants to be a thief when he grows up, she opened the trapdoor to shame. She didn't think you would go through, but you were unskilled in dodging the trapdoor and fell in. After a few more falls, you began to see yourself as untrustworthy or even unworthy of even having such a wonderful upright mother. You fell through this trapdoor so many times you ended up building a cubby house there and to this day you slip in there for safety because that's where you know yourself best. You know you belong there because you failed at school, had no friends, bombed out at sport, got fat, couldn't control your temper, never got picked first for games, got dropped by a sweetheart, didn't win any awards at work and pretty much all because people like you don't have any luck.

Consequences

Your boss says your sales are down. That's a fact. That's guilt. They are supposed to be this and they are that instead. You are supposed to say, 'Yes I am guilty of that. I hear you. You've stated the facts as they are your honour, so I will pick up the phone or make one more business call today and go about my duties more earnestly'. Instead you pop through the trapdoor into your cubby house of shame and start your usual dopey conversation with yourself. 'That's because I am no good at my job or with people. And if I had any luck I wouldn't have ended up working for this jackass or with these clients.  I try but no-one ever listens to me. My life sucks. If I was supposed to be rich or successful or happy I would have been by now. Pass me a tissue. No? A drink then. No? Ok, a pill. That's ironic. A pill for a pill like me.' 

My Kick in the Pants for you: Tear down the shame cubby house (it's not even a real house!), walk back up the steps, nail the trapdoor shut and when next confronted with a truth about your behaviour not quite measuring up, say, I am guilty of that and I won't do it again.