I used to be dead

Tahlia doesn't want to marry horrible old Ehud. He comes to her house to meet her parents. Things don't go well. Preview it here: And if you buy it, Amazon doesn't tell me who you are so how about dropping me a note that you did it? It's harder to raise money! Donations for good causes have become harder to get. And getting people to the fete, garage sale, chocolate drive, door knock, sleep-a-thon or barbecue is exasperating organisations' treasurers everywhere. I can tell you how to raise money for your charity, project, club, school (or self) without costing anyone anything! Look this up:  Curious? Of course you are.  Suspicious? That would be natural. Not nice of you, but natural. Look up the introduction. and call me or email me for a contact chat.

On owls and thoughts. Here I go again If you're a subscriber to The Kick in the Pants Newsletter, on Friday you read how I have a new disease (invented by me) calledopinionophobia. I'm allergic to opinions - mine as well as yours and everyone else's. Here's one reason why: Look up this page and you'll see whichever way you look at it, there is plenty to think and talk about apart from government intrigue, political argy-bargy, sound bites, TV news, talk-back radio, sports comments, the goss of the day, idle chit chat about the weather, the latest episode of current affairs or newspaper headlines, Facebook blah diddy blah blah blah, letters to the editor and amazing email offers. Whichever way you read it, the advice comes up like this: Finally, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. That excludes just about anything else on offer. Remember the wise old owl poem a kindly soul wrote in your childhood autograph book? A wise old owl lived in an oak. The more he saw, the less he spoke. The less he spoke, the more he heard. Why can't we all be like that wise old bird? Surely a few weeks of that alternative wouldn't hurt any of us. Anyway, to infinity and beyond. Live long and prosper Love Colin

On owls and thoughts.

Here I go again

If you're a subscriber to The Kick in the Pants Newsletter, on Friday you read how I have a new disease (invented by me) called opinionophobia. I'm allergic to opinions - mine as well as yours and everyone else's.

Here's one reason why:

Look up this page and you'll see whichever way you look at it, there is plenty to think and talk about apart from government intrigue, political argy-bargy, sound bites, TV news, talk-back radio, sports comments, the goss of the day, idle chit chat about the weather, the latest episode of current affairs or newspaper headlines, Facebook blah diddy blah blah blah, letters to the editor and amazing email offers. 

Whichever way you read it, the advice comes up like this: Finally, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

That excludes just about anything else on offer.

Remember the wise old owl poem a kindly soul wrote in your childhood autograph book?

A wise old owl lived in an oak.

The more he saw, the less he spoke.

The less he spoke, the more he heard.

Why can't we all be like that wise old bird?

Surely a few weeks of that alternative wouldn't hurt any of us.

Anyway, to infinity and beyond.

Live long and prosper

Was your mother the tour leader on all your guilt trips?

It has often been claimed but the truth is you were your own guilt trip tour leader and you still are. That's not quite right either. You are the tour leader on your shame trips. Let me explain.

Guilt is good and has a right purpose.

The facts about guilt.

1. It is not an emotion

2. It is a state.

When the judge says a criminal is guilty of a crime he or she is saying, 'You did this thing and it is now declared.' The convicted person is not required to feel anything. Their feelings have nothing to do with the legal state in which they find themselves. The criminals can feel remorse or continue to protest their innocence, their desire for revenge, their having been provoked or misled, but that doesn't change a thing about their guilt. They have been pronounced as having done the deed. Thus they are guilty.

It's the same for you. The police officer pulls you over and says your blood alcohol reading is over the limit, and that's it. You are guilty. You broke the law. No feeling required, but thank you very much for the offer. Ah, but you cry, 'I feel so guilty.'  No. You feel annoyed, angry, embarrassed, humiliated, fearful of others finding out, apprehensive of losing your license and getting the fine. You can't feel guilt. You can only accept it or reject it but it doesn't change a thing. You done it! Hopefully the effect of the guilt pronouncement will induce you to act responsibly about alcohol.

Guilt's purpose is to rectify things

Your mother found you'd pinched 5¢ from her purse. She announced you were guilty of theft and reprimanded you. The idea was to make sure you didn't grow up as a bank robber. She intended you to correct your course, change your ways or in Biblical terms, 'repent'  which is to say, change your mind and thus your behaviour.

Shame is bad even though it's comfortable

If your mother repeated the story to Aunty Molly in front of you to grind it into you, or introduced you to Grandpa as the naughty boy who wants to be a thief when he grows up, she opened the trapdoor to shame. She didn't think you would go through, but you were unskilled in dodging the trapdoor and fell in. After a few more falls, you began to see yourself as untrustworthy or even unworthy of even having such a wonderful upright mother. You fell through this trapdoor so many times you ended up building a cubby house there and to this day you slip in there for safety because that's where you know yourself best. You know you belong there because you failed at school, had no friends, bombed out at sport, got fat, couldn't control your temper, never got picked first for games, got dropped by a sweetheart, didn't win any awards at work and pretty much all because people like you don't have any luck.

Consequences

Your boss says your sales are down. That's a fact. That's guilt. They are supposed to be this and they are that instead. You are supposed to say, 'Yes I am guilty of that. I hear you. You've stated the facts as they are your honour, so I will pick up the phone or make one more business call today and go about my duties more earnestly'. Instead you pop through the trapdoor into your cubby house of shame and start your usual dopey conversation with yourself. 'That's because I am no good at my job or with people. And if I had any luck I wouldn't have ended up working for this jackass or with these clients.  I try but no-one ever listens to me. My life sucks. If I was supposed to be rich or successful or happy I would have been by now. Pass me a tissue. No? A drink then. No? Ok, a pill. That's ironic. A pill for a pill like me.' 

My Kick in the Pants for you: Tear down the shame cubby house (it's not even a real house!), walk back up the steps, nail the trapdoor shut and when next confronted with a truth about your behaviour not quite measuring up, say, I am guilty of that and I won't do it again.

Wh - a - - t?

I used to be Dead is on Amazon: My novel about the naughty and funny daughter of Jairus the Synagogue official in Capernaum is out now. It hit No:1 and 2 in its categories in its first week and is getting nice reviews too. You don't even need a Kindle device to read it. You can open it in iPads and iPhones with the Kindle App which is free in the iTunes Store. Get it and come back to the page to record your review.

If you've received this from a friend, you can subscribe at my web site for free. Click on the big Stay in Touch box when you get there. Stuff happens Am I right about this? The bottom drops out of our basket and we fall out. Some of us have this debilitating tendency more than others but I think I am right in saying most of us have it. When things don't work out, we have great difficulty in seeing the good in it. I do. I admit it. I go down like a cast iron jet. No-one plans for 'stuff' Demand for our product wanes, a competitor comes into the market with lower prices, our business folds, we get laid off, we don't get the price we wanted for the home or car we sold, a child departs from the ways in which he or she was brought up, our child does something dreadful, our spouse does something dreadful, we emigrate and spend the next 30 years recovering, our parents become senile and dependent, our Pastor shacks up with the music leader, we run out of savings, Labor gets back in and Collingwood wins the 2013 Grand Final. And these are only the external disappointments. There is an entire mountain range of personal mistakes to regret. We didn't plan any of it. In fact, we had glorious hope for the exact opposite in every single case. We really did. We genuinely planned and hoped, believed and prayed for it. Consider Moses Yesterday in church we had a lesson about the end of Moses' life. It's pretty rough. For doing his lolly one day when God told him to speak to the rock in the desert to get it to give the Israelites water and whacking it instead, and giving everyone a mouthful of abuse in the process, God told him he would never enter the Land of Promise. Not only that, but (nothing to do with Moses) the people he had brought there would soon go off the rails and behave like pagans. So he died knowing that he had spent his life doing everything he could to get a homeland for himself and the Israelites and it was in effect, a fizzer. How far down would your cast iron jet have taken you, if you'd had that news? However ... Here's what has happened since. Moses has been known to three enormous religions as one of the Great Prohets He's known to many nations as the ultimate law giver and leader. His laws have become the basis of civilised living. His miracles are astounding. People have sung his praises for three thousand years for his courage, patience, wisdom, determination. Moses got to stand on the Mount of Transfiguration with Jesus , the Son of God, right in the land of Canaan/Palestine/Israel. From Moses's faith, billions have some to know God. So? So, it's never over, until it's over is it? Did you think that just because you hoped for something it was your right to have it? That's as silly and sad as a five year old wishing she'll grow fairly wings. Persevere. Wait until the end of time to read the last chapter, not just the end of your days. Endure. Plough on, one foot up and one foot down. Who knows what the family, your friends, even the historians will say of your perseverance? Anyway — To infinity and beyond. Live long and prosper. Colin Pearce

Stuff happens

Am I right about this? 

The bottom drops out of our basket and we fall out.

Some of us have this debilitating tendency more than others but I think I am right in saying most of us have it.

When things don't work out, we have great difficulty in seeing the good in it.

I do.

I admit it.

I go down like a cast iron jet. 

No-one plans for 'stuff'

Demand for our product wanes, a competitor comes into the market with lower prices, our business folds, we get laid off, we don't get the price we wanted for the home or car we sold, a child departs from the ways in which he or she was brought up, our child does something dreadful, our spouse does something dreadful, we emigrate and spend the next 30 years recovering, our parents become senile and dependent, our Pastor shacks up with the music leader, we run out of savings, Labor gets back in and Collingwood wins the 2013 Grand Final.  

And these are only the external disappointments. There is an entire mountain range of personal mistakes to regret.

We didn't plan any of it. In fact, we had glorious hope for the exact opposite in every single case. We really did. We genuinely planned and hoped, believed and prayed for it.

Consider Moses

Yesterday in church we had a lesson about the end of Moses' life. It's pretty rough. For doing his lolly one day when God told him to speak to the rock in the desert to get it to give the Israelites water and whacking it instead, and giving everyone a mouthful of abuse in the process, God told him he would never enter the Land of Promise. Not only that, but (nothing to do with Moses) the people he had brought there would soon go off the rails and behave like pagans. So he died knowing that he had spent his life doing everything he could to get a homeland for himself and the Israelites and it was in effect, a fizzer.

How far down would your cast iron jet have taken you, if you'd had that news?

However ...

Here's what has happened since.

Moses has been known to three enormous religions as one of the Great Prohets

He's known to many nations as the ultimate law giver and leader.

His laws have become the basis of civilised living.

His miracles are astounding.

People have sung his praises for three thousand years for his courage, patience, wisdom, determination.

Moses got to stand on the Mount of Transfiguration with Jesus , the Son of God, right in the land of Canaan/Palestine/Israel.

From Moses's faith, billions have some to know God.

So?

So, it's never over, until it's over is it?

Did you think that just because you hoped for something it was your right to have it?

That's as silly and sad as a five year old wishing she'll grow fairly wings.

Persevere.

Wait until the end of time to read the last chapter, not just the end of your days.

Endure.

Plough on, one foot up and one foot down. 

Who knows what the family, your friends, even the historians will say of your perseverance?

Anyway —

To infinity and beyond.

Live long and prosper.

Colin Pearce

What IS the Bible all about – really?

•   Is it a handbook for Jews and Christians?

•   Is it a layout of God's plan for humankind?

•   Is it a rule book?

I guess my answer will not make me popular.

Dr. Billy Graham writes in the forward to Dr Henrietta Mears' famous book, What the Bible is all about:

Millions of people today are searching for a reliable voice of authority. The Word of God is the only authority we have. It sheds light on human nature, , world problems and human suffering. But beyond that it clearly reveals the way to God through Jesus Christ.

I wouldn't want to argue with that. I just made a discovery of my own though. 

I endeavour to read the Bible every year and last year I tried to do it in The Message. It's taking a lot longer than normal because there's a lot of in-text elaboration. 

That aside, one thing has bothered me. Yes, the will of God is there. The authority is there. The wisdom and the worship are there, but something this last year has really stuck out.

Big discovery

It reads like someone tried to cram as many pompous jackasses as possible in between two leather covers.   There are hundreds of them. Upstarts, social climbers, johnny-come-latelies, and arrivistes.  Pompous to the max, one and all.

Pompous 

(adjective) affectedly and irritatingly grand, solemn, or self-important: a pompous ass who pretends he knows everything.

It starts on page 2 and gets worse: Eve, Adam, Cain, Nimrod, Noah after the flood, Abraham lying about his 'sister', Lot and his wife as fools, Isaac as a goose, Jacob as a cheat, Joseph as a braggadocious little pain, his brothers as adults, Moses before his call out, Pharaoh, the Israelite leaders in the wilderness, the spies in Caanan, the settlers mixing with the Baalites, the false prophets, King Saul, King David, King Solomon, his son Rehoboam and his ex-captain Jereboam, Assyrian Kings, more stupid Israelite and Judaic kings, Nebuchanezzar ... I'm tired already and I haven't got to the Pharisees, the Saducees, the dumb disciples and the squabblers in the early churches.

What IS the Bible all about then?

Just for now, for this week while I think about it, it's about the folly of arrogance, it's about the daftness of opinions, it's about the pointlessness of being pompous. It's about submission to God in all humility and abandonment to our own importance (as we've assessed it to be in our own pomposity.)

There's something to chew on over Easter.

To infinity and beyond.

Live long and prosper.

Colin Pearce

Christmas – what a funny old mess.

Christmas – what a funny old mess. For example: > I have a Jewish friend who celebrates Christmas because he likes presents, turkey and pudding. He doesn't have a clue that the true meaning of Christmas is Santa Claus. > When I was about 20, I had a Pastor who abhorred Christmas as a being a Christian festival and wouldn't hold a Christmas church service because he was a Puritan and Christmas was 'draped in the rags of popery'. He did however like pudding and turkey and presents. > I was in Bethlehem this year where the Greek and Armenian priests hold their annual Christmas punch-up about who gets first dibs on poking their head in the place of Christ's birth. The actual 'supposed' slab where the manger is said to have been placed is filled with candles and is encased in bird wire and looks like a ferret's cage. I must have missed something, because other people were crying in awe. I got the giggles. > There is supposed to have been a woman who complained aloud in a card shop when she saw a nativity scene on a Christmas card, 'The (*&*&%^&$ church! They try to get religion into everything.' It's a mess.  With Father Christmas, Santa Claus, Sinta Klaus, trees, baubles, tinsel,  televised carols by candlelight shows, pudding, charity appeals, suicides, turkey, rampant alcohol abuse, rampant gluttony, rampant present abuse, rampant card abuse, superstition, emotional pap about it being Jesus birthday (spare us!) the invention of Winterval, Chrisukka, Happy Holidays, political appeasement and cultural sensitivity, deaths on the roads and it only being 11 months since last one, I don't know whether to take up arms and oppose the whole thing or just go back to watching the cricket on TV and have another fruit mince pie. So what's Christmas all about? Apparently Christmas is about whatever you like, and as long as you don't think your take on it is true, I'm OK with that. My reality is that as long as I get turkey, pudding and a present on Christmas day I'm happy because I celebrate the reality of Jesus everyday of the year and that he took action and conquered death and that he is not the reason for the season but he is in fact The Season and will remain so, day after punishing day, until the Great Day when we shall know him as he is. Anyway, have a happy – (fill in your preference)